‘’Let me tell you a bit about this world,’’ I glanced at several Times Square screens displaying the same message. ‘’It’s me, Paul. Your archon friend. As you saw back in 2013, Times Square isn’t as big as it is on TV. Disappointing, huh? Welcome to the German World. You’re Polish, so Germanization is a perfectly ironic punishment, don’t you think? How long will you resist the enforced identity change? I love doing these social experiments! Just like on YouTube but much more complex. Heidi seems like a nice name for you. Well, some say it’s actually Swiss but hey — I’m the demiurge and I control this reality. Heidi is now a lovely German name. Funnily enough, there is no Germany in the German World. Why do I call it the German World? Here’s why.’’
‘’Why isn’t anyone looking up at the screens?’’ a thought struck me. ‘’What the hell’s going on here? Schizophrenia? No, that’s not it. It’s the damn demiurge playing mind games with me! What the hell? I can’t move! Has this psychopath paralyzed me? Possessed me? Fuck!’’
A series of scenes flashed through my mind. I felt like I was standing in the corner, observing.
A girl (the demiurge in disguise, no doubt) with a posh British accent was narrating.
May 1945. Ten psychics got together at a séance in Boston and asked the demiurge to eliminate the German threat forever. Intrigued by their audacious request, the cosmic conman took the form of a wicked witch with crooked claws. The witch floated over the table as she eyed each psychic. Maniacal laughter followed. The men were terrified.
‘’It is done,’’ the archon told the stunned psychics. ‘’The Germans are here to serve U.S. interests now. Yes, they all have been teleported to the USA. Germany no longer exists as an independent state. Germany will never be a threat again. All the Germans are now Girl Scouts in black pencil skirt uniforms and stilettos. They are banned from using German so that it’s infinitely harder for our Scout security to rebel. Yeah, I call them Scout security. Pretty cool, huh? I left five hundred thousand Germans alive in this reality. The other ones have been dimensionally displaced. They live in other dimensions now. What a twist, huh? Not counting the Germanized ones I had brought over here from other realities, of course. I abduct only extremely intelligent individuals. They will live in boarding schools for girls all over the USA. These schools have just been created. The Germans are young adults now. Adoption is an option. Each German brings money luck. Your little German stiletto army will be helping American banks and businesses. Each boarding school principal will be given the ability to scan an infinite number of realities to find suitable candidates for the magical Germanization, as there are no more Germans here left. How about a forced reality relocation and Germanization?’’
‘’You have all sorts of questions popping up in your head right now,’’ the witch was standing right behind me, whispering into my right ear. ‘’I can hear them, Paul. See them. Oh my. Where are our little psychics, Paul?’’
‘’What did you do to them?’’ I asked the witch. ‘’Have you paralyzed them too?’’
‘’Don’t worry about them,’’ the cosmic psychopath grinned. ‘’Worry about your own punishment, Paul. It’s just you and me now. In this dimly-lit room.’’
‘’Okay, fine,’’ I nodded vigorously. ‘’Why have you turned the Germans into Girl Scouts? Why leave half a million in their original reality and dimensionally displace the rest? Where have the psychics gotten this insane idea from? Who the hell are they? Magically turning five hundred thousand Germans into Girl Scouts is quite a show, I’ll give you that. Is the spell fast-acting? Where have all those millions of Germans been sent to? What about Germany over here? This whole Girl Scoutization of Germany business is like the Operation Paperclip (bringing Nazi rocket scientists to the USA after the Second World War) on magical steroids. Spy novel material. But you know what? No pants or flats for the newly-minted German Girl Scouts? Really? Come on, no one is that cruel. Not even you! The Germans will need to rebuff the advances of sucky pickup artists! Walking around with a smile? Wishing everyone a nice day? That alone sucks ass!’’